


Disoriented

by prettynialller



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel of the Lord, Angst, Bunker, Castiel Loves Dean, Castiel is weak, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Dean beats up castiel, Dean has the mark, Dean hurts castiel, Dean is lost, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Men of Letters, So much angst, castiel - Freeform, destiel fight, husbands fight, makes me sad, the mark of cain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26785453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettynialller/pseuds/prettynialller
Summary: Set in season 10 in the library of the bunker. Dean has the Mark of Cain and leaves Castiel bloodied and helpless on the floor, angel blade lodged in a book just inches from his face.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 41





	Disoriented

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is my very first fanfic ever so please leave suggestions and tips in the comments. I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)
> 
> This is my interpretation of Dean's thoughts when he's beating up Cas in the bunker library. I used the original dialogue from that scene. Hope you enjoy it!

Something isn’t right.

Something is definitely not right.

Something is wrong.

Dean stands in the middle of the library of the bunker. His home. Honestly, he doesn't know what this place is to him anymore. A prison, filled with memories of what he once was, a human. He doesn't feel human now. He's a monster in his own head. But this Dean would never admit to that. Maybe if he was different he would. He sees a pile of ruined books lay ahead of him. Scattered all around into a great high pyramid. 

He's cloudy. Dazed almost as he stands there. He doesn't remember what happened. How he got there. Where’s Sam? Where’s Cas? He looks around for a moment, confused before laying his eyes on a familiar body in front of him. A silhouette. A shadow almost. He can’t see who it is but he senses he knows this shadow. He feels safe almost but not quite like something is missing. The silhouette standing over something on the ground, a body. A boy. Who is it? 

What the hell happened? He thinks. 

You. His subconscious tells him. You happened.

"You killed him." The silhouette says, crouched down, its hands rest on the body. The silhouette is very still, breathing deeply. Dean can see the raise of its shoulders as the shadow inhales. It seems to be contemplating what to do next. 

"I took down a monster," Dean says smoothly shifting his gun his waistband at the base of his back. "Because that's what I do. And I will continue to do that, until-" Dean shrugs nonchalantly. 

The silhouette finally stands and faces Dean, shoulders squared defiantly. Dean staring right back. 

"Until you become the monster." The silhouette says to him, blue orbs piercing into his soul. 

Monster? Dean thinks. I'm no monster. I help people. 

Not with the Mark you don't. His subconscious adds evilly.

The Mark? 

Oh shit. 

Something clicks in Dean. A sudden realization. A memory almost. Dean has the Mark of Cain. A Mark that turned him into a killer. This isn't the real Dean. This is the Mark acting out. Making him a killer. Making him murder people. And the silhouette isn't a shadow at all. It's Cas. Castiel is standing in front of him. The one who saved him from his torturing in hell. His best friend. His lover. Trench coat and all. He blue striped tie laying loosely against his chest. It’s Cas. 

No Dean, he subconscious says silently. This is the real you. Pure. You.

"You can leave now, Cas." Dean announces to him turning away. He desperately wants Cas to go. Wants him to be as far away from Dean as possible, afraid he may do something to Cas he will later regret forever when he's not under the Marks spell. 

There are moments when Dean can think clearly and precisely not influenced by the Mark at all and others kind of like now when he's completely absorbed in it. Drowning in the evil thoughts scraping his sanity away. He can see everything he's doing only he's not in control. Simply a ghost in his own body and all he can do is watch. Like he’s watching a movie of himself or peering out at himself trapped behind a glass pane. 

It's the worst torture. And he prays that Castiel will give up and just let him be. Dean’s locked in this trance for hours on end. He wants Cas gone. He prays he will just let the Mark run its course. Every course has its end. 

"No." Cas demands. "I can't. Because I'm your friend." 

The word friend is kind of a loose way of putting their relationship. There has always been that silent connection between them. The unspoken chemistry between them that they don’t talk about. They’ve never mentioned it to the other even though they both feel this pull towards one another. 

Cas takes a strong step towards Dean. Dean stops his retreat away from him and turns on his heels facing him again. A fixed look in his eyes. He squints at Cas. Cas stares back, reading him. 

Cas thinks he can fix him. Pull him from his dark thoughts. Dean really hopes he can before he is lost forever. 

"Really? Let me ask you something then," Dean paces across the floor standing right in front of Castiel. "You screw over all your friends." He nearly yells.

No, Dean thinks to himself. Please don't you touch him. Don't you lay a damn finger on his pretty little head. Don’t you touch my angel. 

Castiel doesn't move. Not even an inch. He doesn't even blink. He's clearly not frightened by this Dean. Guess we'll have to take this fun up a notch, Deans subconscious says to him quietly.

"Sam and I were trying to cure you! We still are." Cas says to him. 

"Like hell." Dean retorts. 

"We can read the book now," Cas says desperately. Trying to find some inch of understanding with Dean. 

"Oh, so what?" Dean stares at Cas, trying to break the spell of the Mark. He pours his whole self into those blue eyes so desperately trying to escape. Trying to fight his subconscious taking over him. "So you might find a spell that might take this crap off my arm?" Dean waits. Cas says nothing. 

"But even if you do. What's it gonna cost? Cause magic like that does not come free." This was true. Even his poisoned subconscious was telling Cas what the true Dean wanted to tell him. Even if they did find a cure for the Mark what would they do? How could they even prepare for what is to come after that? No more sacrifices for him. Dean wasn't worth it. "No, it comes with a price that you pay in blood." 

Kind of ironic, his subconscious thinks. Considering you are covered in it. 

And it's back. Just after Dean thought he might have hit a weak spot, somehow gotten through and said what he really wanted to say. What he needed Cas to understand. His Mark stained subconscious comes in and ruins the progress. Tears down all the walls that Dean is desperately trying to put up between the two. His humanity thoughts and his subconscious evil thoughts. Dean can't seem to separate the two. 

"So thanks but I'm good." Dean turns away again but this time Castiel doesn't hold back. Of course not. 

Cas steps forward and places his hand firmly on Dean's shoulder. "No." Castiel voices, coming around to meet Dean's eyes in front of him.

Dean feels a faint sting. A feeling shoots through his arm where Cas touches him. A electricity. And then it's gone as soon as he lifts his hand. Almost like Dean had just imagined it. Dean looks at Cas' hand for a split second before eyeing him. 

"You're not. Maybe you could fight the Mark for years. Maybe centuries like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever." Cas pauses dryly. "But when you turn, and you will turn. Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love they could be long dead. Everyone except me." Cas finishes. He breathes heavily. Eyes almost tearing up. 

Yes, Dean thinks. Cas, being the celestial being he is and granted I don't kill him tonight, will be the only thing left standing after everyone dies. After everyone leaves me. Dean takes a deep breath. 

"I'm the one that will have to watch you murder the world. So if there's even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room." Cas, loyal as always. Always fighting side by side with Dean. Of course, he’s gonna fight to save Dean. But he could never physically fight Dean.

Oh yes, you will Angel, Dean's subconscious smirks. 

Dean growls silently at his unconscious. Don't you touch him. He thinks. 

"Oh, you think you have a choice," Dean smirks evilly at him. 

"I think the Mark is changing you." Cas retorts easily.

"You're wrong."

"Am I? Because the Dean Winchester I know would never have murdered that kid." 

Dean turns slightly to the boy on the floor again and then turns back to face Castiel. 

"Yeah well, that Dean's always been kind of a dick." Dean smiles.

"Dean-" Cas puts his hand on Dean's chest pushing him back. There's that feeling again. The sting. The longing to break free and pull Cas to his chest protectively. And then it's gone again. Cas keeps his hand there, "I don't want to have to hurt you." He won’t. He’s trying to be strong.

Oh Cas no, Dean begs silently to himself. Please, please, please...don’t be stupid. 

Dean stares at Cas for a long moment before finally saying dryly, "Well I don't think that's gonna be a problem."

And then it starts.

NO! Dean screams silently to himself. 

In a split second, Dean grabs onto Cas' wrist twisting it terribly a loud crack echoing off the book covered shelves. Dean punches Cas. Cas cries out. He straightens out quickly, ignoring the pain remarkably well grabbing Dean's other arm with his uninjured hand.

"Dean," Cas begs. Dean brings his elbow down onto that arm then bringing his hand up to Castiel’s face. Knocking him off guard.

No please, I don't want to hurt him. Dean begs to his subconscious. 

Too late. His subconscious retorts back.

Dean continues throwing punches at Cas. Wherever he can get too. His face, his shoulder, his chin, his mouth. Castiel bringing his arms up to dodge as much as he can but he's not hitting back. Cas was always a good fighter but not as good as Dean is. Dean being slightly bigger than Cas takes him down easily.

Dean throws a rough jab of the knee into Cas' stomach. Cas grunts and doubles over in pain as Dean throws his body towards the pile of books in the middle of the room, his body skidding across the wooden flooring.

He's not even fighting back! HAHA. Some angel right? I thought you said he was a warrior of heaven? Dean's subconscious laughs at him and Dean thinks they might start throwing punches as well. 

Dean ignores it trying desperately to plead with himself to back off. To stop. Cas isn't going to fight back Dean knows that. 

Dean looks down at Castiel on the ground and breathes deeply. Cas' face is bleeding profusely. 

"Dean," Cas says weakly. Pushing himself up as Dean turns to walk away. "Stop."

Dean turns back with a new darker look in his eyes. He can see the fear in Cas' face finally but that only fuels his violence more. 

Dean stomps towards Cas another jab of his knee to his stomach and throwing a punch into Castiel’s cheek. Castiel recovers quickly and manages to get ahold of Dean from behind, his arms wrapping around Dean's arms pinning him to his chest. Dean throws his head back as hard as he can hitting Cas square in the nose. Cas cries loudly in his ear. Dean grabs his shoulders and shoves him sending him across the room slamming into the desk in the corner. Dean following suit. Grabs onto Cas' trench coat and slamming his face into the dark wood, marking it with his angels blood. 

One.

Two.

Three.

Four. Times.

Dean slams Cas’ face into the desk. Four. Times. 

Dean is crying inside. His voice in his head becoming hoarse from screaming pleas. 

Dean throws Cas on to the ground. Cas groaning as he hits the floor. Cas doesn't even move. Acting like a rag doll. He’s too still and if it weren’t for his whimpers Dean might have thought he was dead right then. Dean rolls him over. Cas' lip is busted. His nose is bleeding from both nostrils. There's blood pooling out of his mouth and multiple deep cuts across his skin. Cas chokes on the blood as Dean pulls the angel blade out of Cas' sleeve. Twirling it effortlessly in his palm. 

Dean cries silently in his head. Begging for himself to stop. 

Dean grabs at Cas' tie roughly and readies the blade inches from Castiel’s broken face. 

"No," Cas grumbles under his voice, barely audible. He grabs tightly onto Dean's wrist the arm that's holding the tie. Cas squeezes his wrist in his hand. And there's that feeling again. Skin on skin. Cas' skins burns his wrist. Dean hesitates looking into Castiel’s blue eyes pouring silent pleads back into him. "No Dean." 

But Cas is strangely content. He’s okay with dying this way. Even if it is Dean that’s killing him. He would have died fighting to save Dean from the Mark. Fighting for his righteous man. Fighting for his love. He would have died, his last memory looking into Dean's eyes. And he was accepting that. 

You cant, Dean thinks to himself. You won't. Please. 

Dean waits, blade ready. Eyes connected with Cas'. And memories flood through him at that moment. Cas the one that plunged deep into hell to save Dean Winchester. Rebuilt his whole body. Brought him back to life. Became his best friend. His lover. And he's about to kill him. Dean looks still, thinking, contemplating. 

"Please," Cas begs again, eyes soft but somehow forgiving and understanding. Cas chokes again. Blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. Dean watching, eyes hardening. Cas closes his eyes.

I’m so sorry Cas, Dean thinks to himself. 

And Dean plunges the blade down. 

Into a book. 

Just inches from Cas' face. 

Dean breathes.

Cas breathes.

And Dean stands. 

"You and Sam stay the hell away from me. Next time, I won't miss." Dean states.

Cas turns his head laying silently watching Dean's retreating form. 

And he breathes.


End file.
